You Are A Compulsive Liar

My mother always used to say that she preferred a thief to a liar. You knew where you stood with a thief, she reasoned, but never with a liar. I remember dancing around my room listening to Fefe Dobson’s ‘Stuttering’ and singing a little too enthusiastically about all the things I could forgive but being unable to take a liar. I had a clear idea about what kinds of people I couldn’t take lying to me: cheating partners, dangerous coworkers, backstabbing friends. However, I never stopped to think that the person who lies the most to me is, well, me! I am the biggest compulsive liar in my life. And, I am pretty sure if you think about it: you are the biggest liar in your life too. We lie to ourselves all day, every day. We can ditch the cheating partner, dangerous coworker or backstabbing friend but we are kind of stuck with ourselves. This is why it is so important to tackle our compulsive lying head on. You see, we lie to ourselves for the same reason people lie to each other: it is the easy way out.
When TC’s man called her the wrong name and she asked him: “Who the hell is Kim?” You think he was going to say, “Kim is the woman I horning you with?” Nah. It was easier to pretend he had no idea who the hell this Kim person was. The same thing applies to our lives. Sometimes it is so much easier to lie to ourselves than face the discomfort that comes with acknowledging the truth.
You feel personally attacked right now, don’t you? If so, then this is the blog for you. Let’s talk about three of the biggest lies we tell ourselves.

I AM OKAY

Y’all, this is the big one! How many times do we sit with ourselves on the verge of mental/emotional collapse and try to convince ourselves that we are fine. I feel like I’ve run a thousand marathons and I stare at the ceilings each night, but I’m okay. I feel anxious, stressed out and like I have no control of my life, but I’m okay. I would prefer to dig out my eyes with a rusty spoon than go to this job tomorrow, but I am okay. I feel smothered in sadness, but I’m okay. My relationship is a mental / physical / emotional war zone, but I’m okay. I spend so much time partying on the weekends that my weeks are a disaster, but I’m okay. My co-parenting relationship sucks, but I’m okay. Any of these hit the spot? I am sure you can think of your but I’m okay. Sometimes the lies are laughable because it is so obvious to us that we are not okay no matter how many times we repeat it or how loudly we say it. Yet, we stick with the narrative. Why? Well, admitting that you are not okay means that you might have to do something to change that. We all know how exhausting, scary and overwhelming change is. Acknowledging that you hate your job means that you either have to look into getting out of that situation or accepting the responsibility of choosing to stay there.

IT ISN’T A BIG DEAL

Has someone ever offended you, hurt you, disappointed you and instead of acknowledging the way their actions made you feel (whether you confronted them or not), you instead chose to invalidate your feelings by telling yourself your feelings were an overreaction. Instead of sitting with, honoring and processing your feelings you told yourself that it was not a big deal. In that moment, my friend, you were a damn liar. A destructive liar. The kind of liar that my mother fears more than a thief. If you don’t honour and respect your feelings, I can assure you (from personal experience) that other people will not. When you lie to yourself, you destroy the opportunity to set boundaries or expectations on how you expect to be treated. It means that the words or actions that led to that feeling may be repeated continuously, leaving you trapped in the cycle of being stuck with these feelings that you tried to brush off.

I WILL DO IT LATER

Whenever I am overwhelmed I take a nap. I just shut off and choose to not deal with whatever it is that isn’t going the way I want. We tend to put off things that cause discomfort but in many cases, I’ll do it later ends up being not doing it at all. This is the lie that kills most of our dreams and goals. I’ll go to the gym later. I’ll write that paper later. I’ll study later. I’ll pop into my crush’s DMs later. The lie releases us from the need to step up to the plate, pull on our big girl/guy pants and put in the work necessary for success. We don’t try. We don’t fail. We just exist in a vacuum of procrastination.

You’re a liar, now what? I’m not suggesting that avoiding these traps will be easy. We do this so often that they are deep within us. I challenge you, however, to hold yourself accountable to being honest with yourself. When you find yourself saying that you are okay, something isn’t a big deal or promising you will do something later, question yourself. Is this really true? Are you taking the easy way out? Then, confront yourself and try to honour your truth. It won’t be easy. But, what is?

Love. Light. Laughter.

Rilzy